could he really understand...?

we always say and assume 'ala...dia budak lagi, what could he/she understand...'

well, from some readings, children can actually understands what we do...and they absorb more when they are below 4years old. that is why, apa2 kita 'ajar' ---sengaja or tak sengaja--- to our children at those ages, most likely that is what they will be. if we always marah2, temperamental ke mental ke... mood swing mengalahkan budak tu sendiri, kebarangkalian besar budak tu akan besar menjadi 'acuan' yang kita duk acu kat dia.

jaga budak bukan senang, easier said than done --as always. my husband couldnt last 10mins with his own sons, kalau one at a time ok lagi kot, but if i leave both at a time, next thing you'll know, he'll turn into a godzilla! (sorry, bang)

aku pun selalu hilang akal menjaga budak dua orang tu. if i tried to put harith to sleep, dia bantai minum susu for 10mins then up again to play hide and seek with his brother.  si abang pun tak nak kalah, if nampak si adik nak tido, he would slowly creep by harith's side to tickle him or just make a simple gesture to let harith know, 'hey little bro, i am still awake why dont we play combat?'

sekejap kang dengar suara aku bagai perempuan gila menjerit marahkan budak dua orang tu. but to whose expense??? aku gak yang 'jiwa' sorang2...aku gak yg sakit tekak... aku gak yang sakit kepala sebab bblood shot upstairs!

so la ni, aku try different method, if you cant fight them, join them!

apa aku wat, selagi korang tak penat, main le puas2, aku siap tolong lagi buatkan khemah ke... tolong kejar ke... tolong sepah mainan siap... and they also enjoy my 'effort' so bila dah penat, depa akan ikut cakap aku suh dia tido.

but of course, tekanan perasaan still datang sekali sekala.

what makes me try to change?

one day, i was playing with my kids. hazeem came suddenly and hugged me sampai aku nak terjatuh. and i reciprocate, and i said,' alahai anak mama ni dah besar....'
the next thing i know, he got tears in his eyes and he smiled sheepishly... trying to hide his feelings. aku tanya, 'hazeem nangis ke?' 'mana ada...mata hazeem panas...'

then he asked,'mama nanti ada baby lagi ke? hazeem ada adik lagi ke?'

my assumption, all these while maybe he felt neglected sebab aku byk bagi time to harith. last time aku slalu berebut hazeem with bibik, now he has to do almost everything on his own. mandi sendiri, makan sendiri, minum sendiri, tido sendiri.... and to make things worse, kena marah lak bila harith jatuh ke terhantuk ke nangis ke...

i pity hazeem. i only realised his feelings are being neglected. and feelings of rejection (to him) made him retaliate further....

susah nak jadi a good mom.... hmmm...


i am lucky i got two great sons to always remind me to be better.